If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
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Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”