wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
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Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
💁🏻♂️
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.