[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
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January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
i鈥檓 stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Me: On today鈥檚 episode of Inside the Actor鈥檚 Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Don鈥檛 believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won鈥檛 actually stick to someone鈥檚 face.
Why font matters.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Everyone knows there鈥檚 no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 馃幎 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 馃幎
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he鈥檚 a doctor
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you鈥檙e alive
Me: can I just text them
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
For the past 3 years I鈥檝e been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I鈥檝e acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.