Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
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I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
channeling her this year
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.