When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
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When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
wtf is a larm clock?
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me