Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
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Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
😲 WTF? 😆
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.