Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
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Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion