Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
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I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
i did the math
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
This trial is so absurd 😭
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud