INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
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My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.