My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
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Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.