I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
You Might Also Like
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
I have obtained a hat
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
eggs benadryl
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.