I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
You Might Also Like
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?