Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
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Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
cause of death:
autopsy.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?