Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
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Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.