OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
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People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Who knew!
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me