KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
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ME (calling my horse with no name):
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
I know karate and tons of other words.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings