i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
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*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?