Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
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It’s the weekend y’all
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.