8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
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My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
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Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.