My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
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All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
My dress code is business-casualty.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
✌🏽
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.