British people be like I’m Bri ish
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[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…