Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
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computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place