Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
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[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
When he asks for feet pics
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
They’re on their honeymoon
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist