“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
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3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
*serious situation*
My brain:
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.