Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
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“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.