If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
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If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.