I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
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I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
One of the best
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )