all bases covered
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“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.