Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
You Might Also Like
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”