I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
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*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
*eats only grass-fed donuts
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Deer are just ballerina dogs