The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
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Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT