I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
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Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
need him
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend