Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
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My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?