My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
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Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.