ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
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I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Nice try, NASA
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.