u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
<—- homeless romantic
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
mentally somewhere in italy
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”