Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
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Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know