I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
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Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Ferrari squats
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
#oldknees
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Free him
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.