Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I hate when that happens.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!