If you want my opinion ask my wife
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I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Yes my dude
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..