Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
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Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.