Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
You Might Also Like
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.