I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
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Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
who will stop them
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*