‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
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everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.