Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
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Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food