I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
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[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
yes… yes…
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?