Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
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I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
All set.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
new wife guy just dropped
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard