18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
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My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
this is the best day of my life
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
who named him groot and not spruce lee
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.