Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
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translated into Canadian
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.