When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
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ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
How does one answer this?
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*